What would you say to a friend?

Everyone has a voice in their head.

Call it your conscience, your voice of reason, or the angel and devil on each shoulder. Whatever you name it, it’s always there. And sometimes, it’s incredibly hard to stop listening.

We often talk to ourselves the way a football coach talks to their team during a timeout with seconds left in the NCAA championship game. Intense, demanding, and ruthless. We push. We criticize. We expect perfection. And when we fall short, we make sure we know it.

At some point, we start expecting the good and hyper-fixating on the bad. We replay mistakes. We magnify flaws. In a strange way, we convince ourselves that if we say the worst things first, it will hurt less if someone else ever does. As if being our own harshest critic will somehow protect us.

I can’t remember when that voice first showed up.

I don’t remember the days when my biggest worries were playing soccer outside or watching TV with my sister. I just know that one day, the thoughts were there.

You’re not good enough.

You’re not fast enough.

You’re not skinny enough.

You’re not smart enough.

You’re not funny enough.

I couldn’t shake them. I’m not even sure I tried. I became hyper-aware, constantly bracing myself for someone else to confirm what I was already telling myself. Almost ready to say, “Ha—joke’s on you. I’ve been saying that to myself for years.”

Thankfully, I’ve never had to say that out loud.

One day, a friend came to me asking for advice about how she saw herself. As she shared the negative thoughts running through her head, my heart hurt for her. I listened, and suddenly it clicked. I would never speak to her that way. I would never allow someone else to speak to her that way either.

So why was it okay for me to do it to myself?

That moment changed something. It made me realize how normal it has become to be cruel to ourselves, and how unacceptable it would feel if that same language were directed at someone we love.

So here’s the reminder:

The next time you catch yourself speaking to yourself in a way you would never speak to a friend… pause.

Stop.

Think.

And reframe.

Because you deserve the same kindness, patience, and grace that you so freely give to others.

- Nicolette Caneda